| fly. |
[31 May 2005|09:10pm] |
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" if you do not climb, you will not fall. this is true. but is it that bad to fail, that hard to fall? sometimes you wake up. sometimes the fall kills you. and sometimes, when you fall, you fly. "
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| heroine girl |
[28 May 2005|05:41pm] |
do you like the taste of fire? these pictures say you do
out of the blue, without warning, without grace, i realized things are not how i percieved them to be at all. and that these weren't misfortunes around you, these were misfortunes in you.
these pictures tear me away from my carefully conceived denials
when we see what we want to see, and hear what we want to hear, and feel what we want to feel,
the nightmares truely begin.
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[27 May 2005|11:28am] |
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offical nurse - 8 more days
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| A Rip in Heaven |
[19 May 2005|10:01am] |
she asked me to get up and go
i wanted her to tell me to, not ask - since when was this negotiable?
he said he couldn't at the time, but that he would.
he could not bare to lose us both
he spoke from my axis, and wrapped his tongue around my knees
we survived off the fitted visualizations
of what a girl and boy should be
skeleton key enzymes, padlocks of protein with similar engineering design
he was my schema. synthesis. to make me feel permeated, i embedded myself into his ceiling, and shattered the way we communicate. back to back. different screens. different conversations
a secret of smoke and mirrors.
now he lives in old diary entries. he couldn't bare to see me go, so he went first
now he lives in photographs from my attic, without skin to respire internal heat of the coiling heart
all the things he never said....even when i got inside the front door, down the hall, and into the room.
He never gave me a warning : guessing at the rules may cause surface damage
"i hate the routine. i hate my daily surroundings'
"attempt to memorize your surroundings and think of ways to turn them into art"
it's almost funny, if not so tragic, that HE said this to ME. and i'm the one still here.
"if it must be constant, there has to be something that buffers it"
"acceptance or surrender, i suppose..."
Suppose? He proved.
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| the dreamer, mc |
[17 May 2005|01:12pm] |
[14 May 2005|05:34pm]
dreaminmc
1. Reply with your name and I will write something about you.
2. I will then tell what song/movie remind me of you.
3. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be...
4. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
5. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
6. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. Put this in your journal!
1. Lunah was the first girl I had a big crush on *giggle* thankfully things worked out to a point where we have a wonderful friendship. In my experience she is as unique as they come.
2. Collide - Like You Want to Believe
3. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be...4pm. When would always meet for lunch. At least I think it was 4, wasnt it?? Maybe it was 3... Ah! If im wrong Ill feel dumb!
4. Transcendent
5. Most memorable moment: Laying drunk in the park after we fell off swings, talking about random things staring at the stars when you interject that the pebbles we are laying on are much like nerds. Nerds are good.
6. A lion crossed with a black panther (cause itd need a black mane to match all your hair!)
7. Coming from your nursing perspecitve or just personal opinion, where do you stand on the issue of euthanasia?
8. Put this in your journal!
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| i need.i want.i will. |
[27 Apr 2005|10:32am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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auf de maur |
] |
i really don't know why i am going. i mean, i could be doing something better for myself. like sleeping. or homework. or eating a big bowl of chocolate ice cream. or playing with my kitty. but no, i choose to go. knowing the internal destruction it causes. *shakes head* at least i don't have to drive and can just get trashed and half not care. the more i see it, the more fresh the wound seems. like bending at the joint and breaking the clot. and it was healing sooo nicely wasn't it? the longer i'm away, the better it feels. the less i drown. the thinner the surface to break through..and the more visible that surface becomes. i'm coming up and i think i even have air to spare. but then i do something stupid and jepordize myself. sabotage myself. and allow myself to sink a bit more. my air is running out. i should be floating by now, if not for my awful choices.
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[19 Apr 2005|05:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 indescribable |
] |
| [ |
music |
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combichrist |
] |
* i can't forget the things you never said *
how much will this cost me?
this is just heart break - nothing more. nothing less. something i'm familiar with..( haven't seen you for awhile )... something that has felt this way before. nothing purposeful. nothing earth moving. nothing unique. this is just chemical anxiety, this is just chemical sad..ness. this is something to be blocked by other chemicals at my will. my emotional painkillers. a drive-by "i miss you" and fragments-of-something-real fiction he spins and captures just adds fuel to my fire. the fuel i leak in desperation. the lie of the worthy one. the lie of the fractal me.
"did i happen to mention i am a contagious living fluid?"
"that's fine....i am just a breakbone false start"
what a wonderful pair. right.
i leave from the place you first came to me. they are beating out a rhythm that gives me jet lag of a broken heart.
* this is absolute, this is absolution *
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| edge |
[17 Mar 2005|02:08pm] |
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iiiiiiiiii just finished my nursing final...only 11 more weeks to go! ( until i can take the state boards ) but i am almost there! my head hurts. i need to move into the city soon...i can no longer tolerate the suburbs. i just want a little apartment ( where they will let me have my cats and rat ) with adequate heating on the north side.
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[15 Mar 2005|02:05am] |
she asked me to go, cause she remembers 18 more than i do, and she remembers the dresses and ribbons and the way that i would run through my perfume instead of spraying it on my skin...and so i went.
across the room, a color in a black and white backdrop. heart beat still and failing to support my next step, my next gesture.
flawless and silk-like, visually aesthetic and even probable. unfortunately when i am drunk, i can not censor myself to save my life.
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[14 Mar 2005|08:59pm] |
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holllyyyyyy shit, i still have this thing? ..
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[19 Aug 2004|06:28pm] |
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LA was amazing. and helped me decide where i need to be.
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[06 Aug 2004|10:31am] |
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no apartment, false alarm.
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[05 Aug 2004|07:17pm] |
first off - i got an apartment today!
ok, here it goes:
Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you don’t bold is false
fuck the bolding, that will take too long. true or false works better
01. I miss somebody right now - true
02. I don’t watch much TV these days - false
03. I love olives - true
04. I love sleeping even though i barely sleep - false
05. I own lots of books - true
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses - true
07. I love to play video games - false
08. I’ve tried marijuana - true
09. I’ve watched porn movies - true
10. I have been in a threesome - true
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship - true
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy - true
13. I have acne free skin - true
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton - who?
15. I curse frequently - true
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year - true
17. I have a hobby - true
18 I’ve been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing. - false
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me - false
20. I’m really, really smart - false
21. I’ve never broken someone’s bones - true
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal - true
23. I hate the rain - false
24. I’m paranoid at times - true
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free - true
26. I need money right now! - true
27. I love Sushi - true
28. I talk really, really fast - false
29. I have fresh breath in the morning - false
30. I have semi-long hair - true
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas - false
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister - true
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S. - true
34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis - true
35. I have a twin - false
36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past - true
37. I couldn’t survive without Caller I.D. - false
38. I like the way that I look sometimes - true
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months - false
40. I know how to cornrow - false
41. I am usually pessimistic - true
42. I have a lot of mood swings - true
43. I think prostitution should be legalized - true
44. I think Britney Spears is hot (or well, she can be at times)- false
45. I have cheated on a significant other in the past - false
46. I have a hidden talent - false
47. I’m always hyper no matter how much sugar I have - false
48. I think that I’m popular - false
49. I am currently single - false
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex - true
51. I enjoy talking on the phone mainly only to my friends that live far away though - false
52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants only 'cause I can't be naked when the roommates are home - true
53. I love to shop - true
54. I would rather shop than eat - false
55. I would classify myself as ghetto - false
56. I’m bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders - false
57. I’m obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal- false
58. I don’t hate anyone. I dislike them. - false
59. I’m a pretty good dancer - true
60. I don’t think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington.... huh?
61. I’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother - true
62. I have a cell phone - true
63. I believe in God - i don't know
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis - false
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months - true
66. I love drama - true
67. I have never been in a real relationship before - false
68. I’ve rejected someone before - true
69. I currently have a crush on someone - true (jude law)
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life - false
71. I want to have children in the future - false
72. I have changed a diaper before - true
73. I’ve called the cops on a friend before - false
74. I bite my nails - false
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club - false
76. I’m not allergic to anything - true
77. I have a lot to learn - true
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger - false
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube’s newest "Friday" movie - true
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex sometimes. - true
81. I’m online 24/7, even as an away message - false
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved - false
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs before - true
84. I have made a move on a friend’s significant other in the past - false
85. I own the "South Park" movie - true
86. I have avoided assignments at work to be on Xanga or Livejournal - false
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum -false
88. I enjoy some country music - false
89. I would die for my best friend. -true
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza. - false
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can - false
92. I’m obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist - false
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career - false
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all - false
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick’s "Children’s Story" - false
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy - true
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it - false
98. I have dated a close friend’s ex - false
99. I have cut my self before - true
100. I am happy at this moment - true
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[25 Jul 2004|11:18pm] |
this could be a self defense case.i could get away with emotional murder.imagine that.
none of it matters, really.it's not the first time this has happened, and it won't be the last.it will gradually become mussed with all the other lost heartaches.and i'll one day remember them only by name association.yes, she was alot of fun.yes, he could drink anyone under a table.yes, how he loved that tabasco sauce. yes, she was oh so rock-n-roll.no, i had no idea he got married.no, i had no idea he still has that picture in his wallet.
that one was just a spark.
and this one just a flame.
but this one...well, he burned me from within.
i first fell in love at the age of fourteen.i still remember that night.
warm florida rain and the normal traffic of orange avenue.my friend waiting in the car.i told her this might take awhile.i had a necklace chain in my hand. so nervous.didn't even notice i was cutting it into my skin.until he told me.
we were getting drenched.but it was florida and it didn't matter.
i hadn't prepared myself at all. i wished that i had. i don't remember starting.
but i did keep his attention.
i finished i think. i could have gone forever. or maybe he stopped me. i don't remember.
he smiled. gave me a kiss on the cheek, and told me to look him up when i was 18. "it's like a raincheck" he said giggling, motioning to the sky, self impressed by his own pun.
i was happy it was raining. maybe he wasn't able to tell i was crying.
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[15 Jul 2004|11:04am] |
**The Seven Deadly Sins**
**ANGER**
1. Who did you last get angry with? mother
2. What is your weapon of choice? words
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? yes
4. How about of the same sex? i still regret not taking that shot at cailin
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? ron. eh
6. What is your pet peeve? people who are loud becauses they think everything that comes out of their mouth is important. or at least, want people to think everything that comes out of their mouth is important.
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? i definately keep them.
**SLOTH**
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? practice oboe
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? i don't remember
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't? Joel.
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? i have to go move my flowers
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through? yes
6. When was the last time you got a good workout? i went for a walk at 1 a.m. this morning.
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? once.
**GLUTTONY**
1. What is your over-priced yummy beverage of choice? irish car bombs
2. Meat eaters: fuck no
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting? 5 shots of goldschlager in 7 minutes was pretty intense. and pretty stupid of me.
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? no
5. Do you have an issue with your weight? shut up
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? depends what i just had last
7. Have you ever looked at a small housepet or child and thought "Food!"? sure, as in "i have to feed my kitties"
**LUST**
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? two
2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? two
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of your choice during a normal conversation? not that i remember...
4. Have you "done it"? yes
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? the small of the back.
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? no
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? yes
**GREED**
1. How many credit cards do you own? two
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? mitsuwa
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? hug it
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? famous
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? absolutely
6. Have you ever stolen anything? yes
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? none
**PRIDE**
1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of? making through first year of nursing school.
2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? oboe stuff probably.
3. What would you like to accomplish in your life? move to LA
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? no. someone's got to.
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? um, no
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? i could never master the art of cheating.
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? got out of bed, considering it's the only thing i've done yet.
**ENVY**
1. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces"? it's too early to think about that
2. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? tori amos' love slave
3. Have you ever been cheated on? yes. fucker.
4. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? bigger tits would be nice.
5. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? patience.
6. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey? no
**Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin? Lust
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| the process delicate surfaces... |
[08 Jul 2004|09:23pm] |
|
this currency of memory leaves me guilt-feed.and hopesick.undoing the silence of these open windows.the skeleton that bears witness to these whispered confessions and bridges of frailty.i'm buzzing.i'm falsely charged.i'm drunk and i can not stop laughing.i'm feeling the need to break tight lips unfiltered confessions that i was hearing for the first time.just.like.you.and you give me those morning hazy lazy eyes.the way you would watch me make coffee and savor this cigerette breakfast.you ask me about the ripped up paper in your basement.as i hear you behind the door.turning everything.trying desperately to find the letter from your emotional affair.you treat me as if i'm still on the clock.i'm watching the second hand strip me down of every opportunity to watch you fly.to watch you fall.Fuck.i'm so young and suffocating and i still managed to not let you know all those anonymous hate letters-that was me.all those anonymous love letters-that was me.
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[18 Jun 2004|01:22am] |
| How to make a synthetikshe |
Ingredients:
5 parts success
5 parts arrogance
1 part |
Method:
Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add lustfulness to taste! Do not overindulge! |
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[24 Mar 2004|09:28am] |
EROICA.beautiful beethoveen.sets me on fire.
hello.i'm sorry i've been away.
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[24 Aug 2003|11:27am] |
synthetikshe
is emotionally distant. |
| I bet no one's surprised that you never post your current mood. In fact, I bet most of your friends are so sick of you locking them out of your life that they hate you behind your back. Shame. |
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